This Sunday we shared yet another Psalm from one of our members. Here's both how Justin introduced this song and the song itself:
The person I approached to share a psalm this week is someone who’s going through something extremely difficult. Someone who’s hurting, who’s angry, and who’s feeling far from God. I asked her to write a prayer. A song to God that grows from the cracked soil of her pain. I told her that we don’t pray angry, hurting prayers often enough. We don’t sing as many “Where Are You?” songs as we feel. I told her that I hope RRCOC can be a family that’s moving in the direction of rich relationship with God--relationship in which hard truths are spoken and vulnerability is pursued. I told her I wondered if she might help us in that. And I promised that if she did, I’d let her remain anonymous and read her prayer myself. She said yes.
She calls this "Heart's Alt Truth."
Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! You oh Light on a hill, would it not have been better if I were blind? Or a statue made of cement unable to shatter, not these broken shards of glass, unhinged and betrayed. I have hidden your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against you, but my heart lay here in tiny pieces disheartened, by my past, frozen by my present, aching for what is to come.
For it is written that in this life there be a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, well I would sincerely like to give it away. Blind me or take it all away, anything but this, this treacherous darkness void of life and yet here I reside.
Leave your pity, I can't afford to be sympathetic to your empathy for I am your sheep... broken beyond repair, filled with the shattered glass left from what used to be my heart. Would it not be better to be blind, blind from the pain of this cold earth with its scorched people, barriers from you and your Omnipotent light and yet you leave me here, wounded animal that I am, trapt in darkness.
I should pray to be blind, that I may have never known or seen what could have been. In this life I'm promised pain, loss, people plead for hope... I plead for hope, but for what? More pain, more loss, more shattered glass because to gain more is to have more to lose. You give and you take it all away.
You can't be for me, my Savior, and bring this much sorrow and destruction, you are not in my corner, you are not on my side. I know this must be true for my thoughts to reconcile this grief. For you my Lord are All sides, you are not in my corner for you are All corners, All hope, All destruction, All pain, All light, All darkness. My pain is earth's fuel to more misery, more destruction, more synthetic light sources for my inner turmoil. These Alt-truths rebirthed in my rotten flesh, why not blind me so I may see.
This life, gone in a vapor, and you my Lord, my awesome God, with my shattered glass between your fingers, tear streaked soul... why? This meaningless life, over in the blink of an eye, what is the point? Grant me your infinite wisdom, correct my lenses as I am too tired, too exhausted to continue this unyielding desolate and lonely path unable to see my way out.
Make me a statue so that I may sit here unwavering, staring at your Light on a hill, unable to bend or break, upheld by your Truth. But, if you won't, then in my exhaustion I feel that now it is a time to give up, a time to refrain from embrace, a time to search. Now is my time to break what's left. You have left me shattered, beyond repair, crumbling between your fingers holding on for all I have left; for your Word. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.