Songs About God // A "Where Are You?" Psalm by Eric Posadas

A year and a half ago, one of my best friends was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. Life expectancy - 2 to 5 years with an 11% chance he’ll live beyond year five. His name is Jason. He’s married with three little girls - ages 12, 8, and 3.

There’s a group of us who have been friends for over a decade. All transplants with family out of town... so we’ve been each other’s family over the years.

Eric is on the far left. Jason, far right.

Eric is on the far left. Jason, far right.

At first, our battle cry was fierce. Strong. Full of hope and determination. And of confidence he would beat this thing. And... I had God on my side. I immediately turned to prayer; I had little doubt God would handle this.

Like I mentioned, it’s been a year and a half now. And those battle cries, though still defiant, have inched closer to cries of despair. Jason’s cancer hasn't gone away. In fact, it’s only growing larger and may be spreading. I can see him wrestle with letting his hope fade away as he talks to me about the need to make preparations. And I’m angry. All those prayers seemingly unanswered.

I know many of us have been affected by cancer. Lost love ones to it. And I know God could just take it all away if He chose to. He could thump the tumors out of my best friend, but He just won’t. And it’s frustrating. It upsets me.

But then, I sit among you. And I watch a Baby Blessing and witness a baptism. I listen to a sermon. Jason and his family visit our church for the first time. And my heart swells. God is so good. He’s pulled me from so much wreckage; blessed me with a great marriage. And has given me much. God is good.

I know many of you have had struggles. And continue to have struggles. This is mine. And this is my song to God:

 

You, my God, are a God who hears me when I speak.

You, my Lord, are a Lord who knows my thoughts

 without a word being lifted.

 

I raise my voice to you when I feel afflicted.

I cry in silence when my emotions run wild

 and my heart is too heavy to utter a noise.

 

Time and again, you’ve delivered me from evil and have kept my family safe.

You, alone, have guarded my thoughts

 and saved me from ruin.

 

Then, why, dear Lord, do you turn away when you are needed most?

My prayers are as constant as you are blameless

 so why must you ignore my supplication?

 

What should I do so you know I’m sincere?

Should I simply whisper this personal petition

Knowing you are an intimate God?

 

How should I act so you feel my earnest, deafening plea?

Shall I rip my clothes and bellow until my face is covered in tears,

 And my voice is no more?

 

Such is the ache in my soul, dear God.

I know not how to call your attention

My desperation laid bare for all to see.

 

Yet, I know you are with me for I am still drawing breath.

My good God, you have previously answered my darkest call.

Given me so much without a formal request.

 

Where, then, shall I sing your praise so you know my gratitude?

Should I speak soft so my thankfulness is tender and true?

 

How should I boast in you, Lord, to display my full indebtedness?

Should I shout with admiration; arms held high; a smile of pure elation?

 

Such is my fear and faith and doubt in you, God.

My anger in your ostensible absence

 intertwined with my thankfulness for your sustained presence.

 

You, my God, are a God who hears me when I speak.

Hear me now.